Leatherati Voices

Ask Leatherati: HardOnWomen

Dear Lucesco by way of Master Leatherati,

Master Leatherati, as a young leather fetishist i get really annoyed and angry at the presence of so many women in leather events for men and you seem to show a whole lot of them

How would I be treated if I brought this up? would i be ostracized. i feel very strongly about the subject and would not hold back. and please stop focusing so much on women. they get so much attention as is.

Thanks,

HardOnWomen

Dear HardOnWomen,

I thought long and hard before answering your question. I realized that your question is so personal to you that it would be hard to properly address it without asking you a number of further questions. So instead I am going to relate something about my own relationship to women and then let it wrap back around to your question.

In quite abbreviated form, I too have never had a very healthy relationship with women. My father taught me to be a proper misogynist and often joked that women “were a mistake waiting to happen”. When I came out, it was my mother’s reaction to my honesty that hurt me the most because I loved her and found her love for me (at the time) to be quite conditional, certainly exclusive of my being gay.

Ask Leatherati: EuroPure

Dear Lucesco,

I'm wondering why the leather scene in Europe is almost all gay men who share masculine fetish, and here in North America it seems to be more and more in favour for the idea that all that is required to be a leatherman is taking it as an identity. When I saw a straight woman in a dress at a leather bar, I couldn't believe my eyes.

I am currently finished on a trip to North America with my partner/Master and there is one thing that is missing from your leather bars: leathermen. At least what we in Europe see as leathermen are absent.

Why the huge disconnect across the sea? What we see as leather culture in Europe appears to be very different from what you show in North America. Has anybody ever tried to open a European-style leather bar that is men only with a dress code of leather and fetish gear? I would think that it could be a good opportunity for somebody with the capital. Maybe without women, more leathermen would come out?

Regards

Thanks,
EuroPure

Ask Leatherati: Toxic Tops & bottoms

Dear Lucesco,

There are and have been lots of toxic tops/bottoms within the scene. Should they be outed? If someone is about to play with them, should they be warned?

Thanks,
ToxicToYou

 

Dear ToxicToYou,

Before answering your question, I discussed it with several of the people in the kink community who I highly respect. I discovered there is a wide range of opinions on what defines “toxic behavior”. There was an even wider of opinions on how to respond to such behavior.

There really isn’t any single answer. But here is my take. I do not think we should out anyone for behavior that we have not personally experienced. I might consider if it if a sequence of people all report the same hurtful behavior coming from a single player. But even then, I would approach that person directly and privately, not publically. People who make waves in a public forum indiscriminately are often more concerned with getting attention for themselves then correcting any perceived injustice.

I think people and relationships are a lot like chemicals and chemical reactions. When some chemicals are combined, they are inert or beneficial. When some chemicals are combined, they are toxic. The chemicals themselves are not good or bad, the combinations are.

More importantly, every individual has the right to decide what defines toxic behavior using our own individual standards. We can help each other figure out what those behaviors are and to what extent they can be acceptable or unacceptable. People in toxic relationships often need an objective viewpoint to help navigate these matters. We can all offer support, we can bring people closer to us working from a place of sensitivity, confidentiality, and compassion.

At some point, we also need to engage professional psychological help. Here are two links that provide much more information and options for response then I can do here. Check out the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom and the National Leather Association International Domestic Violence Project.

Respectfully yours,
Lucesco for Leatherati

Lucesco has been in several Daddy/boy, Master/slave, and polyamorous relationships in addition to his non-rolebased ones. His relationship to the kink community evolves as his relationship to himself evolves as well.

With this evolution in mind, he is now accepting your questions about having consensual and respectful kink sex in the real world. Doors are open at the Kink Public Library at Leatherati.

Feel free to submit your own questions with our easy online form or directly via email to askleatherati@leatherati.com

Ask Leatherati: Nubian King

Dear Lucesco

I am a young 19 year old black submissive here in beautiful San Francisco. I feel invisible within the kink community because I feel as if none of the older men I like in San Francisco will give me the time of day, however I can go anywhere else and get a ton of men, but it seems as if I get no love from the kink community here in SF. What gives? I really want to know.

Thanks,
NubianKing

Dear NubianKing,

What gives about the reception one gets in San Francisco? I can’t say that I really know, but I respect your dilemma. My own roommate, who is also black, gets little play in the City by the Bay then reaps it in when he goes to Chicago. But our sample size is pretty small to determine anything useful. I can also relate that I hear your dilemma posed by my friends who are heavier, shorter, or simply self-identify as different.

I think a few factors are at play. For years, I had identified as someone who did not belong to the kink community until I realized one Folsom that was no one was voting who was in and who was out. Other people don’t make us invisible, it’s a perception we choose to take on, on our own.

I also think we put out a more reckless energy when we are in other cities then the ones we live in. When I have been in Amsterdam, Paris, New York, or LA, I know that I am more willing to take risks. I expect there is a player in some other city that feels the same thing about their own town.

I have one suggestion since you asked. Don’t think in terms of groups, think in terms of individuals. Volunteer, get involved, really get to know some of the incredible men in the community. Give them the time of day first and eventually they will give it back.

Respectfully yours,
Lucesco for Leatherati

Lucesco has been in several Daddy/boy, Master/slave, and polyamorous relationships in addition to his non-rolebased ones. His relationship to the kink community evolves as his relationship to himself evolves as well.

With this evolution in mind, he is now accepting your questions about having consensual and respectful kink sex in the real world. Doors are open at the Kink Public Library at Leatherati.

Feel free to submit your own questions with our easy online form or directly via email to askleatherati@leatherati.com

Ask Leatherati: Young Boner

Dear Lucesco,

I have a question; what would an old guard leatherman say to all the women and transgender folks at all these events. frankly its a massive boner killer and it really really offends me. Not due to tradition but just cos to me at this young point in my life leather is all about sex and having anyone other than a real man gets in the way of that. I understand community and all but still get so mad when I see all these women.  I think they should have their own stupid events. Gross. Am I being a jerk? Am I the only one who feels this way?

Thanks,
Young Boner

 

Dear Young Boner,

I should begin by stating that I do not consider myself to be a member of any old-or-new guard faction. I have actually met very few men who consider themselves an “old-guard leatherman” even if they appreciate some traditions that have developed over time in our culture.

That said, you are certainly not the only person who feels as you’ve described. Gay men often want to be with only other Gay men and there are many exclusive events that provide this homogeny. It depends on the event and finding those events may be the solution to your problem.

If you only want to get laid then I suggest that you stop attending events that are meant to be both social and sexual, both political and community-building. Or at those events, then just attend the exclusive play parties. There is a parallel leather guy out there (for example) bemoaning your same points about all those rubber guys who come to the “obviously-leather” events (or some other variation of how a crowd disappoints us based on its factions). Regardless of all the people who aren’t on your same wavelength, I promise you that there are an abundance of players who are. Go to the exclusive events and you will find them.

Respectfully yours,
Lucesco for Leatherati

Lucesco has been in several Daddy/boy, Master/slave, and polyamorous relationships in addition to his non-rolebased ones. His relationship to the kink community evolves as his relationship to himself evolves as well.

With this evolution in mind, he is now accepting your questions about having consensual and respectful kink sex in the real world. Doors are open at the Kink Public Library at Leatherati.

Feel free to submit your own questions with our easy online form or directly via email to askleatherati@leatherati.com

Ask Leatherati: Real Purpose of Leather Events?

Dear Lucesco,

What is the real purpose of a leather event and why should we keep having them?

Thanks,
GetOutaTheHouse

 

Dear GetOutaTheHouse,

Your question has hit a nerve with a number of kinky people all over the world in the last few years; identified in all sorts of sub-categorizations such a leatherfolk, rubberists, fisters, tea partiers, I mean tea baggers… Technology has added a new and disruptive layer to meeting and connecting with other like-minded sexual explorers. Along with other factors, such as associations assigned to certain generations of men and women, costs of doing business, and the ebb and flow of leaders or mentors, our kink culture and identifiable community is changing over time.

Ask Leatherati: Questioning Huffer

Dear Lucesco,

I've heard Black Jack, Maximum Impact, and similar inhalants damage your liver. Is that true? Is there a reason to choose one over another?

Thanks,
QuestioningHuffer

Dear QuestioningHuffer,

I am a trained librarian. So when I think about answering a question, I try to also think about the underlying question. In person, this entails carefully interviewing the patron at hand. Without that availability, I believe that you are not only asking about using inhalants, but how to make decisions about taking different levels of risk in your sex play.

Ask Leatherati: DomInSF

Dear Lucesco,

How do I know the difference between a power-based relationship and an abusive relationship?

Thanks,
DomInSF

Dear DomInSF,

Before commenting on your question, let me preface that I am not a professional psychologist. Now, every situation works differently for different people. Situations even resonate differently for each one of us over time; what may  have seemed non-abusive in the past looks differently as we grow. Alternately, some of the most abusive relationships can sometimes force us to grow and end up being a great catalyst in our lives. As with everything, what matters most is how we respond to what we have in our lives not whether something is simplistically good or bad.

Let me make an aside to the Spanner case in the UK some years ago. Here, a court stated that a bottom cannot consent to being hurt (http://www.masterdavid.net/leather-online/spanner/spanner-in-perspective ). In one societal view, the very idea that someone wants to be controlled, dominated, or hurt (for example) shows that they are not capable of rational judgment. Likewise for the person who wants to do the controlling, dominating, and hurting.

But the very heart of sexual liberation counters that this is not for other people to decide. We are the only people who can choose what is right for us:   our sexuality, our politics, our choices.

However, shifting from the political to the personal, we must ask ourselves different questions. What if we see a Dom emotionally manipulating a sub; perhaps reinforcing internal ideas that they are less valuable then other people. In past periods of my life, this was a core erotic fantasy of mine and I found many Masters who enjoyed welding this idea. Sometimes, people in a relationship can support these ideas without even intending to. This is where a true psychologist or counselor can be of help. 

As a non-professional, I tend to use a simple measure to define if a relationship is purely power-based or abusive. Does the relationship create fear for the person involved or does it diminish it. Abusive people thrive on building and manipulating fear in someone else. This can be done actively, but most of often, it is done passively. Power based on the use of fear is not what I consider a constructive power-based relationship but a destructive one. The question boils down to what lies under the power exchange: fear, anger and shifted retaliation, or love, trust and respect?

Respectfully yours,
Lucesco for Leatherati

 

Leatherati's kinky librarian has been an actual librarian for most of his career. Thirty-five years ago while reading the Hardy Boys novel While  Clock Ticked ( http://bit.ly/nzb7es ), he realized that he wanted to be one of the boys tied up and its been a drive on the side roads ever since. 

Lucesco has been in several Daddy/boy, Master/slave, and polyamorous relationships in addition to his non-rolebased ones. His relationship to the kink community evolves as his relationship to himself evolves as well.

With this evolution in mind, he is now accepting your questions about having consensual and respectful kink sex in the real world. Doors are open at the Kink Public Library at Leatherati.

Feel free to submit your own questions with our easy online form or directly via email to askleatherati@leatherati.com

Ask Leatherati: Ain't No Hazel

Dear Lucesco,

What is the best way to get blood and Crisco stains out of the guest linens before Mom arrives?

Thanks,
Ain't No Hazel

Dear Ain't No Hazel,

Intense play can sometimes leave a goo trail on the sheets. So here is a simple primer on getting rid of some different stains.

BLOOD a/o SHIT – Don’t put the sheets in hot water because that will cause the stain to set. Presoak the sheets in cold water along with detergent. Detergents with oxidizing bleach, like OxyClean, will work best. Then wash in cold water adding bleach or a color-bleach product.

CRISCO – Rub a degreaser, like Dawn kitchen soap, into the stain and let it sit for 5 minutes. Then wash it in hot water for the longest possible cycle. You may need to do this a second time if the grease remains.

SILICONE – The surprising fix to stains from silicone lubricants is shampoo. Rub it in before washing the sheets, and once again, use hot water during the wash cycle.

For other cleaning tips, a good source to check is Clorox ( http://bit.ly/qiUsTa ). Readers, do you have additional cleaning tips for the playroom?

Respectfully yours,
Lucesco for Leatherati

 

Leatherati's kinky librarian has been an actual librarian for most of his career. Thirty-five years ago while reading the Hardy Boys novel While  Clock Ticked ( http://bit.ly/nzb7es ), he realized that he wanted to be one of the boys tied up and its been a drive on the side roads ever since. 

Lucesco has been in several Daddy/boy, Master/slave, and polyamorous relationships in addition to his non-rolebased ones. His relationship to the kink community evolves as his relationship to himself evolves as well.

With this evolution in mind, he is now accepting your questions about having consensual and respectful kink sex in the real world. Doors are open at the Kink Public Library at Leatherati.

Feel free to submit your own questions with our easy online form or directly via email to askleatherati@leatherati.com

Ask Leatherati: Master/slave Seeking

Dear Lucesco,

My girl has mentioned that she wants to discuss becoming my slave, but we're both much more familiar with Sir/service sub, than Master/slave. Could you explain your take on the differences between a slave and a boy/girl? And also the differences between a Master and a Sir?

Thanks,
Master/slave Seeking

Dear Master/slave Seeking,

The other day I went to a meeting of MAsT (Masters And slaves Together) to see how men and women came to identify themselves in either role. All the attendees described different methods so to answer your question, I will only offer my own method. This is only one of many ways to answer your question.

Labels, like the ones you mention, are based on beliefs. There is no dictionary that can hold the variety of beliefs that we share or disagree upon so examine your own beliefs about each label.