Leatherati Voices

Community Cookbook Part Three: Boy Scouts, Traffic Cops and the New A-List

by Papa Tony

As I mentioned in my previous article, this installment is written in response to feedback that I've received so far.  I'm severely tempted to use a lot of alternating gender pronouns, but I can't see how to do it properly.  I'm a gay man, writing about my own gay leathermen's group. I am clearly writing this series for the possible benefit of men and women of all kinds, and I don't dismiss that. I can't see a way to be authentic about my efforts with my group while keeping it fully gender-neutral, so please forgive me for this, and try to walk around a bit in my Size 15EE Wesco Engineers!

It's important to note that, when creating community, you NEVER want to try and add every possible person to a new affinity-group.  It's an exercise in frustration for the inviter and the invitee, and it muddies the vision for the target demographic. 

Focus like a laser on what you see as the overall vision of the group - If it's your goal to create a group for people who fit a strict criterion, go for it - You have the right to do so.  Don't be surprised if other people outside of that target group feel slighted, ignored or insulted, and want to yank things closer to their own goals.  You will have to be clear and open in your motivations, and answer lots of questions from others outside your group before things will calm down.

I'm going to describe the many, many men in FetishMenSanDiego's membership in a very visual way - Think of over 1,100 men in a big, round, closely-gathered crowd:

On the outermost edges, we have the guys who only show up at events if there is a good likelihood that they will get laid, or get drunk as cheaply as possible. That's fine - They add value in their own way.  Those are the guys who show up at the biggest events, hoping to get their goodies and go home. They are great additions for a nice Parking-Lot Party, where men cruise with their shirts off and act Really, Really Single, with a dense haze of testosterone floating over everyone's heads. The more the merrier!

Community Cookbook Part Two: Honey Traps

by Papa Tony

I often run into people who beseech each other for help in figuring out how to approach new people, for the purpose of inviting them to be a part of the community, without appearing to be a predator.

I've been extremely successful in this endeavor. The group in San Diego that I started fourteen months ago has almost 1200 followers, and nearly ALL of them have been added ONE AT A TIME. I can't stress that enough - Simply printing cards or flyers, or mass-emailing, or posting it online is nothing, compared to the personal approach. We are all fed up with impersonal invitations. We've been burned too many times with spam, viruses, and every other kind of crap coming at us from every direction. These people have raised our threshold for bullshit so high that any sane person would assume that nobody could ever break through the average person's cynicism. 

However, all that it takes is a touch.

Let's assume that I'm going to approach you at a bar event that I've created.  I'm HUGE (six foot five, even taller in my big boots, 280 pounds, gray-bearded and hairy, and usually in uniform or leather).  To the average person, I look nine feet tall and six foot wide. Despite all of this, when I come up to strangers to let them know about my group, I have a consistently high success-rate. Out of 100 strangers, approximately 90 of them will gladly give me their email address.  Out of those people, after I have added them to my weekly email list, ONE will unsubscribe. Everybody else sticks around, and likes what they receive from me.

Flagging History

by Papa Tony

I was there when flagging started in the late 1970's. Originally, on the East Coast, wearing your keys, handcuffs, bandanna, chained wallet or anything else on the LEFT meant that you were a bottom, and on the RIGHT if you were a Top. The opposite was true on the West Coast. Somehow, everybody shifted over to the current interpretation… The West Coast view prevailed.

Flagging was SASSY. It was bold, in-your-face sexuality. If you walked like you knew what your butt was for, and you had a Dark Blue bandanna in your right rear pocket while strolling through a major-city crowd, you wouldn't be lonely for long. It was an unambiguous call for fun of a specific type.  Imagine what this was like, for somebody who had recently moved from a small town to a big city, anxious to escape the closed minds and constant scrutiny of anti-gay peers. All of that repression was now gone, like releasing an arrow that had been restrained for too long. Flagging was the perfect means for evading the scrutiny of the straights around you, while advertising your sexuality and desires like a neon sign to other gay males.

We wore these visible items that way, because bars and street scenes in cruisy areas were the ONLY places that gay males could connect for sexual purposes. No Internet.  If you were looking for a particular sexual interest or fetish among 400 other men, you could either waste four hours buying drinks for strangers trying to find a mate, or you could use visual shortcuts to get what you want, as soon as possible.

Community Cookbook, Part One: Introduction

by Papa Tony

Welcome to my first article in a series that will give step-by-step instructions on building true community. What kind of "community" am I talking about?

Being sweet. Everybody together, being accepting, supportive, affectionate, relaxed, joyful, effective, unified and satisfied. If you have been following my writing, you will know that I will be providing actual, PROVEN and successful tips on how to accomplish this in your own area of the world... No matter how dysfunctional, toxic or horrifying your local community has been, up until now. I'm quite aware of the pitfalls.

Things WILL get better, if you're ready to get to work. You have my word on that.

In order to move along with each article, I will have to identify the problems that prevent the good things from happening, first. This may appear to be standard-model bellyaching, but it's not. I promise. Each article will be in parable form, leading to an idealistic and true conclusion.

What qualifies me to write about community? I've been doing this sort of work since 1981, when I became president of a car club, and I realized that the old paradigms didn't work any more. I've been intensively experimenting and observing for three decades. I have hosted over 600 events in my lifetime, and have created twelve affinity-groups that are still around.

A Brutally Frank Message...

A Brutally Frank Message to My Fellow Older Gay Leathermen

by Papa Tony

Older kinky gay males of my generation are both a blessing, and a burden upon everyone else. We never got around to DEALING with the "death, disfigurement and disease" thing that has colored our viewpoint since the 1980's, so the majority of us are unable to move forward with the times, while we pretend that everything is just dandy. Too many of us feel like dinosaurs, surrounded by small furry mammals that we can't relate to.

In the meantime, the younger folks who lack our personal experience of Holocaust have kept moving forward, opening their minds wide to diversity of every type. The world has changed radically within my lifetime.  When I came out into the leather scene in 1977, being caught in an act of sadomasochism was still an extremely imprisonable offense. Now, eighteen-year-olds step smartly inside the doors of their local fetishgear emporium, already aware of the virtues of various varieties of floggers, and all due to the wise advice of Mister Google.  

This is a huge upgrade for the sake of overall humanity, but in my opinion, it would be great if the older gay leathermen among us were more available for mentoring as well. Folks everywhere are drowning in pure information online, when what they could really use is some wisdom, provided by trusted sources with everybody’s best intentions at heart.  You know – what the old farts have been supposed to be doing all along.